How to survive a party where you don’t know anyone

So you just started dating someone and one of their friends is throwing a party. Or a friend from work is throwing a party and you sort of don’t want to go. Plus you only consider them a friend for 40 hours a week but you decide to anyway (after you called all your real friends and they all have something else going on). Or you just ended up somewhere not really sure how or why you are there but by judging the crowd you shouldn’t be there. You don’t know anyone at these parties and for some reason you subjected yourself to social torture for 4-5 hours on a precious weekend evening. Follow this guide to get through this event and many more to come.

Step 1: Find your friend/acquaintance – By finding the person that you know (kind of) you now show some degree of validity to the bald guy eyeing you in the corner of the deck, the drunken girl talking crap to everyone she sees and the rottweiler. By showing all of the freaks that you belong here the awkward social alarm has been defused and everything will be normal…maybe. However, expect the bald guy, crap-talking drunk girl and the rottweiler to all sniff your crotch at some point during the evening.

Step 2: Bring Beer – If you bring a 30 pack to this event and start handing them out to random people in the crowd as you walk in you have made instant friends. Instant friends are great…unless they are annoying. You will find out exactly during the exchange if this person is going to haunt you the rest of the night. Do not put a beer in the hand of someone hanging by themselves. The other people at the party know this person and now you will too. You will find out about their eczema, their past love life and their credit score. Four to five hours can seem like and eternity when you have someone like this hanging around.

Step 3: Find the bathroom – You can possibly get away from everyone for 15-30 minutes in a place that has one bathroom. A place that has more then one is gold. You may last up to an hour in the bathroom especially if it’s on a different floor then the party. This is where you will do most of your crying.

Step 4: Always keep your eye on the door – If you can see the door, then you are at any point ready to go. If things don’t work out with the bald guy, drunken girl or rottweiler and if the instant friend is trying to stick his/her retainer in your mouth then you can just leave. But do not leave anything behind!!! And if you, never and I mean never go back and get it. I don’t care if it’s your husband and wife, once you commit to leave and you go back inside you will never get out of there alive.

How To Write a Love Song

If this option is accepted, please have the following things ready:

• A new-found appreciation of puppies


• A bottle of Cristal


• Make sure you “got game”
  
  

Step 1 – Is this person worth it? – Before any great song writer builds a moving piece to serenade their significant other, they need to figure out if this person deserves it. Does the person cuddle with you in the morning, listen to you when you have a bad day or make you soup when you’re sick? Well, no one does that really, just make sure you at least love the person, okay? Do you know their name?

Step 2 –Make sure you have the capability– You need at least a 6th grade reading level to write a love song. And use real words. I mean you don’t want your new-found love to listen to some song as if Dr. Suess wrote it. “Girl…You’re My Snugglepuss,” isn’t going to make her fall anymore in love with you. In fact, it might do just the opposite and you will have to write a new love song, a loves-lost song, “Come Back Snugglepuss, Come Back.”

Step 3 – Are you ready for this commitment? Okay, so you know the person’s name and you have a 6th grade reading level; now here’s the real challenge. Are you ready to commit to this person? You don’t write love songs, or at least perform them, for someone if you don’t plan on sticking around for a while. I mean if they truly annoy you, don’t do it! If you’re not ready to write a love song just yet, write a “Hey Pal” song to really express your feelings. They’ll get the hint!

Example of a “Hey Pal” song lyric: “I’m so lucky that you’re my buddy; By the way, can you loan me some money?”

Step 4 – Do you have the talent, honestly? – Ever since shows like “American Idol” or “So You Think You Can Dance,” talent-less people have been making fools of themselves in record numbers annually. Take a good look at yourself, if you know that you lack the talent to row a boat, fly a kite or play “Dance Dance Revolution,” you probably can’t do anything well. Maybe you can hire one of your talented friends to write the song for you.

Step 5 – Apologize… a lot – Apparently people like to know when they’re right and when you’re wrong. Some of the best love songs of all time are really an apology with some music in the background. If you can start off a song apologizing for something, that will really capture their interest (usually this is spoken before or in the middle of the song). Be very descriptive and get your voice to talk in its lowest tone.

Example of an Apology song lyric: “Girl I’m sorry…I messed up…I didn’t know you were saving the Lay’s® Potato Chips for your “Sex and The City” video party. I didn’t know you and your friends were getting together to drink cosmopolitans and talk about your hectic work day, while enjoying the crude and obscene humor of HBO’s hit female demographic heavy show. Now you don’t have any chips for nourishment. I feel like a fool. Please forgive me.”

Step 6 – Know the kind of love you’re in – There are many variations of love.

There is:

• Genuine romantic, candy-and-roses love (usually with in the first 3 months of dating).


• I don’t like your opinion on that but I’ll tolerate it love (usually with in the first year).


• I’m in it this long, might as well keep going with it love (from 1 year to eternity).
  

Find which one best describes your feelings for your significant other and go off that.

How to Go Bowling and Not Look like a Pervert

By: Matthew Raphael

It’s been a while since I wrote a topic that required such passion and dedication. It took a lot of muckraking but here it is. If you follow this method you can go out and enjoy Canada’s favorite pastime (don’t think that’s true) and not look like “that guy.”

1) Do not go bowling alone – There is nothing creepier than the late-twenties to mid-thirties male bowling on the lane closest to the door, especially someone who is alone. You know who I’m talking about, they guy that has 3 different balls, the wrist guard and a plastic cup with some sort of unidentifiable alcoholic beverage in a plastic 12 ounce cup.
So bring a couple of friends, preferably of the same age group (shouldn’t have to mention this). It would make you seem much more normal.

2) Dress to blend – A bowler’s idea of dressing nice is pleated pants, which have difficulty reaching their ankles, and collared shirts that were made in the late-70s. When you go bowling for recreation its okay to wear jeans and a t-shirt, also remind your friends to wear these types of clothes as well. And for the love of Christ, no jean cut-off shorts and no REO Speedwagon belt buckles. That type of outfit is screaming 5-10 years hard time.

3) Bowl in a league – If this game is your passion, that’s great, just find yourself a league. Share your dream with a group of others and you’ll fit right in. You may find it more enjoyable that way. Do not go to Extreme Bowling, as this event’s max age should tween’s at best. You’ll be like the mid-twenties guy at a Red Jumpsuit Apparatus concert…creepy.

How to get and/or maintain Street Cred (Street Credit)

By: Matt Raphael

Street cred is a hard and mysterious force that drives little g’s to become Big G’s, just like Montell Jordan explained in his 90’s hit, “This Is How We Do It.” It’s not something that can be earned over night but takes time and practice to master.

If you think that street cred is a way of earning tokens to park in any major city between Monday-Saturday 8 a.m. to 5 P.M., then this article is for you.

Step 1 – Learn the Ebonics language – We all know the words “cool,” “phat,” and “awesome.” Words that help describe something that necessarily doesn’t apply to the subject at all.

Example 1: “Matt Raphael is the coolest mofo around.”

Most of the time my body temperature is exactly where it needs to be and in no way or shape lower. Therefore, my “coolness” is just a term that translates in the English language as someone that you can have a good time with, or someone that understands that knows how to party.

Mofo is just an abbreviated form of someone that knows “a lot” about your mother. In fact, someone that knows your mother as well as you father once did or currently does. I do not know any mothers in this way and in now way would really be a mofo until my current fiancé and I have kids. However, this term can be derogatory but in this sense it is a term of endearment.

To look up current slang terms visit http://www.urbandictionary.com/.

Step 2 – Stay up with the latest trends, fashion and music – To gain street cred, you can dress the part. There are many styles and trends that will gain points and can increase your street credibility. You don’t have to dress in just urban clothing either. Notice what others are wearing when you walk around and see what is trendy, purchase said clothes and holla back (check urban dictionary for meaning).
Music can be a little tricky. For one, you need to be able to relate to situations with lyrics (like I did in the beginning of this story). Second, you should be able to discuss this music informally once and a while. Third, do not, I repeat do not; quote any Missy Elliot or Gwen Stefani songs ever. Both of these artists are annoying and no one will respect you if you quote them.

Example 2: “Hey Matt what’s going on?”
Reply “Well I aint no holla back girl if that’s what you’re asking.” Or
Reply “Beep Beep who got the keys to my jeep?”

Step 3 – Believe in yourself – Remember the only person you have to impress is yourself. If you believe that you are “hip” and “with it” then that’s all that matters. Just don’t rush to the mailbox to collect the parking tokens. There’s no such thing.