Bush’s defense system against Hurricane Ike

We’ll I don’t usually write about current events but what the hell. This is my website right?Here is a list straight from the president’s desk about the current situation with Hurricane Ike. I told him that I’d publish it.

My fellow Americans, we all remember the catastrophic and deadly terrorist attack from Katrina nearly four years ago. The people of New Orleans suffered a great deal of distress from that Mexican WMD. In light of that, and the fact that I own a ranch there, I will not let Hurricane Ike beat up the great state of “Tina Texas Turner.”

Here are some defenses I plan to use as the storm approaches:

1) Put a sign on the beach saying “Ike, Mexico is too the right.”
2) Find Katrina, Ike’s lover, and lock her up in Guantanamo Bay. That’ll teach him.
3) Kick my size 11 Cowboy boots all up that storms ass.
4) Find Rumsfeld and let him deal with it.
5) Get the National Guard to shoot bullets at it.

It is important that as Americans that we stick together like some sort of crazy gluey substance. Much like how Condi won’t leave my side. I love that woman; she is classy. Anyway, I will be using numerous amounts of resources and money to fund this project but it will not affect the taxpayers one bit. I will go down as a national hero. Look out Ike, storms a coming. By the way, do you think Darth will let me borrow some Storm Troopers? That’s what I need. I’m sure they can take care of this.

Sincerely,
The “W”

How to write a love song

To do this, you'll need the bullets below:
A new-found appreciation of puppies
A bottle of Cristal
Make sure you “got game”



Step 1 – Is this person worth it? – Before any great song writer builds a moving piece to serenade their significant other, they need to figure out if this person deserves it. Does the person cuddle with you in the morning, listen to you when you have a bad day or make you soup when you’re sick? Well, no one does that really, just make sure you at least love the person, okay? Do you know their name?

Step 2 –Make sure you have the capability– You need at least a 6th grade reading level to write a love song. And use real words. I mean you don’t want your new-found love to listen to some song as if Dr. Suess wrote it. “Girl…You’re My Snugglepuss,” isn’t going to make her fall anymore in love with you. In fact, it might do just the opposite and you will have to write a new love song, a loves-lost song, “Come Back Snugglepuss, Come Back.”

Step 3 – Are you ready for this commitment? Okay, so you know the person’s name and you have a 6th grade reading level; now here’s the real challenge. Are you ready to commit to this person? You don’t write love songs, or at least perform them, for someone if you don’t plan on sticking around for a while. I mean if they truly annoy you, don’t do it! If you’re not ready to write a love song just yet, write a “Hey Pal” song to really express your feelings. They’ll get the hint!

Example of a “Hey Pal” song lyric: “I’m so lucky that you’re my buddy; By the way, can you loan me some money?”

Step 4 – Do you have the talent, honestly? – Ever since shows like “American Idol” or “So You Think You Can Dance,” talent-less people have been making fools of themselves in record numbers annually. Take a good look at yourself, if you know that you lack the talent to row a boat, fly a kite or play “Dance Dance Revolution,” you probably can’t do anything well. Maybe you can hire one of your talented friends to write the song for you.
Step 5 – Apologize… a lot – Apparently people like to know when they’re right and when you’re wrong. Some of the best love songs of all time are really an apology with some music in the background. If you can start off a song apologizing for something, that will really capture their interest (usually this is spoken before or in the middle of the song). Be very descriptive and get your voice to talk in its lowest tone.

Example of an Apology song lyric: “Girl I’m sorry…I messed up…I didn’t know you were saving the Lay’s® Potato Chips for your “Sex and The City” video party. I didn’t know you and your friends were getting together to drink cosmopolitans and talk about your hectic work day, while enjoying the crude and obscene humor of HBO’s hit female demographic heavy show. Now you don’t have any chips for nourishment. I feel like a fool. Please forgive me.”

Step 6 – Know the kind of love you’re in – There are many variations of love. There is:
Genuine romantic, candy-and-roses love (usually with in the first 3 months of dating).
I don’t like your opinion on that but I’ll tolerate it love (usually with in the first year).
I’m in it this long, might as well keep going with it love (from 1 year to eternity).
Find which one best describes your feelings for your significant other and go off that.