Friday, September 26, 2008

How-To Draw Mohammed


We have seen depictions of Christ, Buddha and even of Cat Stevens but never has the whole world seen the Muslim prophet Mohammed. I’ll show you how to draw him.

Step 1 – Don’t do it – What are you stupid? Do you see what happened to the Danish Newspaper?


Step 2 – Don’t go public – If you want to draw him, well that’s your choice. But don’t let anyone know. You may have a mob outside your house soon!

Step 3 – Refer back to step 1 – Don’t do it. Some things you just don’t mess with.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

How to pick up girls at least five-years younger than you


This goes out to my man, Brian Cook who requested this. And yes, Brian is above the legal age and women five-years younger than him would also be above the legal age. Author doesn’t promote “To Catch a Predator” actions.

Step 1 – Be Hungry Like the Wolf – For you to handle a younger woman, you have to get out of the feed me mentality. Younger women want a man that can handle the hunt, so to speak. Leave the geriatric pack and pull up your pants (not above your bellybutton) and handle your business. For example, if you see a younger lady, at the local watering hole, that sparks your interest do some cartwheels towards her then buy her that drink. You will be that talk of the town and you’ll have someone to help you out of the bar at the end or the night. Pretend you’re drunk so it doesn’t draw attention to your pulled back.

Step 2 – Location, Location, Location – Ever since shows like “The Hills” or “The OC” ladies have been into, that’s right, Geography. It’s no joke, they absolutely love it. So find yourself a stretch of land, a body of water, literally anything as long as it isn’t a plateau. This will remind them of the five pounds they desperately want to lose but just can’t seem to get there.

Step 3 – Go Where They Go – You’ll have to attend some annoying events but if you want to get the girl you’ll have to sacrifice self-dignity. Next time there is a Sex and the City movie, or a Red Jumpsuit Apparatus concert or a sale at Old Navy, go there. And pretend like you appreciate it, but not too much. You don’t want them to get the wrong idea.

Step 4 – Get Out the Old Tricks – Remember the old schemes you used to pull when you were young. More than likely they still work. No, that doesn’t give you the right to keg stand at the bar or pass her a note with two check boxes under the question; “Do you like me?” But if you were smooth back then, you can be smooth now (just slower and more forgetful).

Jerry's Corner - Opinion Contributor


Hello all, my buddy Jerry Enrique Colon has something on his mind (a lot). Once a month, I asked him to contribute to the website. This month Jerry focused on the word Elitist. Please enjoy.


Elitist Please! by Jerry Colon

What is in a name? Shakespeare once wrote that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. I wonder if this theory has converse applications. Would feces by any other name smell better? Ok, sorry for referring to poop so early on in this little diatribe. Perhaps some of you have heard the word Elitist being thrown around the political media circus. Has anyone else ever had the feeling that it was being used as code for something else? Mention the word Elite to any male 14 - 35 years old and they will undoubtedly respond with references to 8 foot tall Covenant alien warriors. While this is of course true it's not exactly accurate in the field of politics or well real life. An Elitist is one who feels that because of their station in life and the abilities / opportunities that they present their opinions and ideals should out weigh those of the average person. Even this definition must be wrong in reference to how it was being used in the media.

According to the Republican Party a man who was raised on food stamps, worked hard to raise himself from his meager up bringing, paid for college with scholarships and financial aid is an Elitist. Interestingly enough they see their 2008 presidential nominee as a man of and for the people. The same man who when asked in an interview how many houses he owned responded by saying "I think — I'll have my staff get to you," pause "It's condominiums where — I'll have them get to you.". Ask the average American the same question and many would struggle to say even one. By the way the correct answer is 8 according to tax records. The McCain's annual income is well near $1 million with a net worth valued at approx. $100 million. He even went on to say that he defined rich as having an income of $5 million. Of course there was a bit of a backlash due to this so he corrected himself by saying “I define rich in other ways besides income,” he said. “Some people are wealthy and rich in their lives and their children and their ability to educate them. Others are poor if they’re billionaires.” Nice recovery, or should I say back peddling.

Before it seems like I am bashing McCain I can say that he does believe in economic growth and in some extent giving back to the people, well his people anyway. For example according to John McCain's 2007 tax return he had increased his budget for household employees from $180K in 2006 to $273K. The McCain Campaign countered these attacks on his finances by saying Barak Obama's house in an Illinois suburb was valued at $1.6 million. What they decided to leave out of this statement was that this was Obama's one and only house while just one of McCain's condo properties was purchased for $4.7 million. His wife wore a $300K dress to the Republican National Convention. As a man who shops at Wal-Mart and has never even thought of purchasing clothes of any kind more than $50 dollars I can safely say that I will not spend $300K on a life times worth of clothing.

He is the son and grandson of two 4 Star Navy Admirals. Are they the Elite of the naval world? His wife was convicted of illegal prescription drug use in 1992 having doctors write phony prescriptions for Percocet and Vicodin. Now while a regular person would have definitely seen some hard jail time the man of the people aided his wife in getting off with fines and community service. He is also frequently seen with members in the upper echelon of corporate business and media. Admittedly I ran a bit off topic but I needed this rant to inform the readers on whom of the two better matches the description of Elite.

So if the Elitist label does not properly match Obama then why use it. What I propose is simple. Republicans did not have the stones to publically drop the N Bomb on Barak Obama so they had to come up with another word for it. A word that made sure the American people knew Obama was not like them. That he was different. So why not a word like Elitist? The average American would not classify them self as Elite so it seemed an easy match. However they obviously did not look the word up before they used it. If they had it would be pretty hard to miss the picture of John McCain with a big thumbs up.