How To Write a Love Song

If this option is accepted, please have the following things ready:

• A new-found appreciation of puppies


• A bottle of Cristal


• Make sure you “got game”
  
  

Step 1 – Is this person worth it? – Before any great song writer builds a moving piece to serenade their significant other, they need to figure out if this person deserves it. Does the person cuddle with you in the morning, listen to you when you have a bad day or make you soup when you’re sick? Well, no one does that really, just make sure you at least love the person, okay? Do you know their name?

Step 2 –Make sure you have the capability– You need at least a 6th grade reading level to write a love song. And use real words. I mean you don’t want your new-found love to listen to some song as if Dr. Suess wrote it. “Girl…You’re My Snugglepuss,” isn’t going to make her fall anymore in love with you. In fact, it might do just the opposite and you will have to write a new love song, a loves-lost song, “Come Back Snugglepuss, Come Back.”

Step 3 – Are you ready for this commitment? Okay, so you know the person’s name and you have a 6th grade reading level; now here’s the real challenge. Are you ready to commit to this person? You don’t write love songs, or at least perform them, for someone if you don’t plan on sticking around for a while. I mean if they truly annoy you, don’t do it! If you’re not ready to write a love song just yet, write a “Hey Pal” song to really express your feelings. They’ll get the hint!

Example of a “Hey Pal” song lyric: “I’m so lucky that you’re my buddy; By the way, can you loan me some money?”

Step 4 – Do you have the talent, honestly? – Ever since shows like “American Idol” or “So You Think You Can Dance,” talent-less people have been making fools of themselves in record numbers annually. Take a good look at yourself, if you know that you lack the talent to row a boat, fly a kite or play “Dance Dance Revolution,” you probably can’t do anything well. Maybe you can hire one of your talented friends to write the song for you.

Step 5 – Apologize… a lot – Apparently people like to know when they’re right and when you’re wrong. Some of the best love songs of all time are really an apology with some music in the background. If you can start off a song apologizing for something, that will really capture their interest (usually this is spoken before or in the middle of the song). Be very descriptive and get your voice to talk in its lowest tone.

Example of an Apology song lyric: “Girl I’m sorry…I messed up…I didn’t know you were saving the Lay’s® Potato Chips for your “Sex and The City” video party. I didn’t know you and your friends were getting together to drink cosmopolitans and talk about your hectic work day, while enjoying the crude and obscene humor of HBO’s hit female demographic heavy show. Now you don’t have any chips for nourishment. I feel like a fool. Please forgive me.”

Step 6 – Know the kind of love you’re in – There are many variations of love.

There is:

• Genuine romantic, candy-and-roses love (usually with in the first 3 months of dating).


• I don’t like your opinion on that but I’ll tolerate it love (usually with in the first year).


• I’m in it this long, might as well keep going with it love (from 1 year to eternity).
  

Find which one best describes your feelings for your significant other and go off that.

How to Go Bowling and Not Look like a Pervert

By: Matthew Raphael

It’s been a while since I wrote a topic that required such passion and dedication. It took a lot of muckraking but here it is. If you follow this method you can go out and enjoy Canada’s favorite pastime (don’t think that’s true) and not look like “that guy.”

1) Do not go bowling alone – There is nothing creepier than the late-twenties to mid-thirties male bowling on the lane closest to the door, especially someone who is alone. You know who I’m talking about, they guy that has 3 different balls, the wrist guard and a plastic cup with some sort of unidentifiable alcoholic beverage in a plastic 12 ounce cup.
So bring a couple of friends, preferably of the same age group (shouldn’t have to mention this). It would make you seem much more normal.

2) Dress to blend – A bowler’s idea of dressing nice is pleated pants, which have difficulty reaching their ankles, and collared shirts that were made in the late-70s. When you go bowling for recreation its okay to wear jeans and a t-shirt, also remind your friends to wear these types of clothes as well. And for the love of Christ, no jean cut-off shorts and no REO Speedwagon belt buckles. That type of outfit is screaming 5-10 years hard time.

3) Bowl in a league – If this game is your passion, that’s great, just find yourself a league. Share your dream with a group of others and you’ll fit right in. You may find it more enjoyable that way. Do not go to Extreme Bowling, as this event’s max age should tween’s at best. You’ll be like the mid-twenties guy at a Red Jumpsuit Apparatus concert…creepy.