This posting goes out to my buddy Eric who is walking down the aisle early September. I'd like to start this blog with some simple words of wisdom about marriage. Have I ever been married before? No. But I have known people to be married. And when you know things, you automatically become an expert (author is not an expert on anything).
Step 1 – Say goodbye to your friends – Well you decided to get married, you didn’t listen to them, but your friends warned you. You might as well shake their hand at the ceremony and say something like, “It’s been nice knowing you.” That’s the last time you will see them. Sure, you may cross paths at the supermarket or talk to them indirectly on Myspace but it isn’t the same.
Step 2 – Say goodbye to your hopes and dreams – You know how you always wanted to sit down for breakfast at the local buffet and stay through lunch and dinner to see if you can eat all three meals for one low price? Throw that dream right out the window. That’s right, now your hopes and dreams will be for practical things.
For example: I hope she doesn’t get on my case about taking out the garbage or I hope her mother doesn’t visit this weekend.
Step 3 – Say goodbye to your Lava Lamp – You just didn’t marry the love of your life, your partner, your best friend. No, you also married an interior decorator. Goodbye Spider-Man sheets, Lava Lamps, Futon, Foosball table and hand chair. And guess what, those items aren’t for storage. I hope you know what weekends the town dump is open.
Step 4 – Say goodbye to Ramen Noodles – I hope you didn’t like Ramen Noodles that much, because they’re gone. Say goodbye to the enlightening silver packets of powder deliciousness. Get ready to dine on baby corn, baby carrots and baby turnips. Hint Hint. Oh yeah, while we are on the subject, get ready because from now on every family function you go they are going to ask “that” question.
It's not all fun and games for her either pal!!!!
Step 1 – Say goodbye to a mutual relationship – Well if she didn’t have kids before, she does now. She just married a child who won’t stop complaining about throwing out his Spider-Man sheets, Lava Lamps, Futon, Foosball table and hand chair.
Step 2 – Say goodbye to a routine for one – Much like step one, before she married you she didn’t think that she would have to make your lunch everyday (because she want’s you to eat better and get off the Ramen noodles). Also, she didn’t think she would have to remind you to use deodorant, brush your teeth before bed and to change your “undies” because it’s Friday and those are clearly your Wednesday briefs.
Step 3 – Say goodbye to Romance – The guy you met that opened car doors, asked you to diner and bought you flowers is gone. Now his idea of romance is popping a bag of Jolly Time and watching the new X-Men movie. Sure he may say you look nice here and there, but was it provoked?
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4 comments:
Excellent stuff! I subscribed via RSS so I can get all your latest how-to's. Blog tip: adding images helps break up the text and add some flair. Consider an image for each "step" or "example".
That's terrific. I'm hoping to learn how to:
1. Pick Up Girls At Least Five Years Younger Than Yourself
2. Get Free Stuff From Waitresses
3. Make Baked Goods With Drugs in Them
I will be watching and waiting.
Marvelous. Glad you took this to the intarwebs. Let me know if my services are ever needed in this realm as well!
I would like to learn some creative ways to fend off the loud, irritating guy at the office who thinks everyone likes him and believes he's the bee's knees... without getting written up and/or fired.
Thank you!
Something else I'd like to learn is how best to avoid doing household chores, specifically when you live with your significant other. It would be great if the process could simultaneously manage to get the sig oth to do the work, instead. Some creative ways of doing this, which won't also cause a breakup, would be fun to see.
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