5 Songs I think Everyone Should Hear at Least Once

Hello All,
Here are 5 songs that I can't stop listening too. You can find all of these songs on http://www.last.fm/.

Please Enjoy!

1) "Savior" by The Everybodyfields - a beautiful song about love and loves lost, quite simplistic yet very sophisticated.


2) "Wasted Time" by The Everybodyfields - another well written song about just needing someone.

3) "Colette" by Langhornslim - simplicity at it's best. Fun, catchy and necessary.

4) "Black, Blue" by The Avett Brothers - a nonchalant reminder that everyone gets "beaten up" and has thier internal/external bruises.

5) "Roll On Arte" by the Felice Brothers - Don't know what to say besides I love this song!!!


Honorable Mention - "Broken Down Figure" by David Saw, Check it Out!!!!


Author doesn't take responsibility if you hate these songs, but will take responsiblity if you like them.

Am I dying?

By Matt Raphael

A little break from the comedy. Don't worry I am not suicidal, just want you to understand what I go through.

Am I dying? This is a question that no one can answer; not my therapist, friends, family or doctor. This is a question that seems so dramatic, so ridicules, so obnoxious that even I don’t believe it. Yet, I ask myself this question everyday, every waking moment, every time I crack a smile, tell some stupid joke or as I watch normal people walking, talking, moving…living.
I was rushed to the hospital a few months ago, my heart was racing and I couldn’t catch my breath. I was shacking internally, sort of like a house to close to train tracks. I was drenched with sweat and my left leg was numb. I thought I was dying. The reception didn’t seem to think so as I waited and people with minor cuts and injuries were being helped before me. I couldn’t wear my left shoe because it reminded me so much of the numbness. And I couldn’t hold my head up because I thought at any moment I was going to faint.

I was given a chest x-ray, hooked up to an EKG and blood work was taken. The doctors had no answers. They seemed like they didn’t want to be there. They seemed distant, as if this was routine. As if I was just an object taking up space for the people who needed real help.
For a few weeks I saw my doctor regularly. Actually I saw the other doctors too, when he wasn’t in. I can see them look at my chart and roll my eyes. They told me to get help that I was suffering from anxiety. Amazing, how they can just brush you off like that isn’t it?
Anyway, I’ve been going to this really good therapist for the last couple of months. And he’s been teaching me breathing exercises and other tips on how to beat anxiety and has even helped me out with my relationships. He has been good to me in every sense of the word. I’ve had very few actually panic anxiety attacks (like the one I went to the hospital with). But I have anxiety daily.

This is what my mind goes through almost ever minute of the day:
Am I dying?, Oh my God am I breathing?, Yes I am breathing but I’m breathing to much?, I’m hyperventilating!, Why do I have a pain in my chest/lungs/neck/back/lower back/groin?. I should quit smoking!, I should work out!, I should eat better!, I’m hungry!, I need a cigarette!, I’m too tired to exercise!, Is my family okay?, Am I dying?, I’m too young for this!, Am I too young?, Why did I start smoking?, Do I have cancer?, Do I have a neurological disease?, I can’t focus!, Why can’t I focus?, No one else in my family has mental problems?, Are mental problems genetic?, Am I dying?, Eat right!, Play Sports!, Don’t have anything to do!, Don’t feel like doing anything!, Am I dying?, What’s my pulse rate?, What if I die right now?, What if I pass out?, What’s that feeling?, Am I dying?

This is why I have anxiety. The problem with anxiety is you worry about the future, and you can’t get over the past. The present, however, when you are aware if it is awful because you feel awful. Right, now my neck is tight, my head is dizzy (because the muscles in my neck are constricting the blood flow to my brain) and I am breathing quickly and short.
I am in panic mode. Its fight or flight for me, all the while sitting in a cubicle and typing this up. This small cubicle. This safe, comfortable and warm area that presents no threat to me is at the same time threatening me. I am panicking.

There are millions that suffer from what I do. And this article is not to make you “aware” of anything. It is just to tell you a story about me. A 27-year-old who used to be carefree; who forgot how it is to relax with friends, family or loved ones. May this never happen to you!

How to Look Productive

To do this you will need the following:

• Papers. Lots and lots of papers


• A telephone


• A big desk calendar

Step 1 – Understand that computer games aren’t work-related – It’s that slow time of year at ABC Company, and you don’t want to be caught playing computer games like Dynomite® or the highly-addictive Sudoku. So what now? You know at any moment your boss can check in with you. Here is a tip: keep Microsoft Outlook® open. I mean, what is more productive than checking in on that highly regarded communication tool?

Step 2 – Shuffle Papers – Keep a pile of papers at your desk. Any kind of papers will do: old papers, new papers, red papers, blue papers. Even blank papers will do. Sorry, this would have interrupted the Dr. Suess-like rhyme. But seriously, if you have nothing to do and your boss walks by to say hello, you shuffle the papers like it is interrupting your busy day. If you let out a sigh of frustration as they pass you, then you have just completed one of the greatest non-productive moves.

Step 3 – Cell Phones and Desk Phones – Put your work number on speed dial in your cell phone. Keep your cell phone in your lap and, with the push of a button, call yourself. Say, “Geez, I’d love to talk right now, boss, but I have this call I need to take.” Important: you need to have a good opening line. Example: “Hi, you’ve reached (insert name here) at (insert department name here). Oh, Sally, hi, how are you? Did you receive that proposal I sent you?...” Proposal is an excellent loaded word that will keep your boss happy. To propose something means that the company has new possibilities on the corporate horizon and you are going to ride that wave all the way to it. Remember to give your boss some gesture to say, ‘I’d love to talk right now, but as you can see, I am getting things done.’

Step 4 – Make stuff up – You can make anything up, and as long as you look productive, do it. Pretend to clean your desk, or take out client folders and put them right back. You can do this for about an eight- hour shift and everyone will see you as a tidy go-getter. Another example of this is to mark stuff on that big desk calendar that the company gave you. You can mark anniversaries, vacation time or just doodle little faces.

How To Become a Superhero

Please have the following things ready:

• A plain colored towel, no one wants a cape with SpongeBob Squarepants® on it


• Spandex, lots of Spandex


• A sense of humor, and no shame
  

Step 1 – Figure out your abilities - Do what you can with your limitations. Remember not all superhero’s can fly (it would be a lot cooler if they did). If you can run fast, try to come up with a superhero that rocks Chuck Taylor All-Stars and says phrases like “You can’t catch me, you can’t even catch a cold!”

Step 2 – Know your weaknesses – Every good superhero, or villain, has a weakness. For example, my weaknesses are 80’s retro and Bazooka Joe©. Never again, will I be caught dead at a Devo concert chewing bland bubble gum. Maybe at an A-Ha show though, that “Take on Me” song was pretty catchy!

Step 3- Form Alliances – Every superhero needs a wingman, or wingwoman, by their side. Even better if that was their superhero name. But seriously, sometimes you can find your self out numbered or just bored and need someone to talk to. There is power in numbers.

Step 4- Know your enemies – Treat your enemies better than your friends. Well not really, unless you find yourself arresting your friends a lot. But seriously, know their hide outs and their plans at all times. You don’t want to show up at the same bar as they do, one Friday night now that would be embarrassing.

Step 5 – Reach for the skies – Seriously reach, it is good to stretch before you go fight crime. You don’t want to pull your back.

Step 6 – Hide your identity – This is important, because everyone is going to want you to help them move if you have super strength.

Don' cha know!!

By Jerry Colon, contributing opinion writer

Anyone who has ever seen the cartoon Bobby's World knows the line "Don' cha know". Now watch an interview or speech by Republican Vice Presidential Selection Sarah Palin and throw that in now and again. You might notice that it mixes in without missing a beat. I always thought that the Republican Party was pompous arrogant but now there are out right saying that Americans are so stupid that they will go along with anything they say. I don't know what else the case may be. In one decision, John McCain let the nation know he is not prepared to run this country.

Choosing a running mate is a lot like picking teams in gym class. It's not that hard, you choose who you think is good based on previous performance and basic knowledge. So McCain is looking at the line up and decides to completely pass over the strong or fast kids, passed the kids that play on sport teams already and went right for the new fat kid with asthma. Being the fat kid with asthma I feel for their plight here but that in no way means I would be the best selection. What was he thinking? I personally feel that this was an experiment of sorts to see what they could really get away with. The sad thing is that people are eating this garbage up. It is obvious that McCain felt he needed support from white female voters and the more conservative / Christian moral values people. This is the only reason I will buy for picking her. She has absolutely no substance.

The McCain campaign has made sure that she stays away from the media and doesn't give many interviews so that she won't reveal the biggest disrespect of the American people since the fictional literature of the 9/11 Commission Report. The few interviews she has given have been complete disasters. The McCain campaign claimed Palin was caught up in “Gotcha Journalism” as if to say he words were taken out of context. She was never asked how she felt on controversial subjects. She was only asked to site some examples of her claims or basically of any knowledge of something other than being an average hockey mom. Well I'm sorry for expecting the potential Vice President to know what someone taking a political science course at a community college would know. She couldn’t even site examples of what her own running mate has done.

I remember reading and watching the reactions of the V.P. Debate Thursday Night 10/2/08 and thinking I must have seen an alternate airing of the broadcast. I saw article after article and report after report about what a great job she did. How she put to rest any doubts and fears even her own Party had in her. What I saw was Palin deflecting question after question by going on these tangents about Joe Sixpack and Americans wanting this Straight Talk. Saying things like Gosh Darn it and more Straight Talk (now would be a good time to add that Don' Cha Know). I was talking to my wife about what this Straight Talk might be and she hit it right on the nail. Palin must be talking about Americans not wanting Gay or Homosexual Talk. They just want Straight God fearing no acknowledgement of same sex couples Talk. I mean if this is not the case then maybe she should have gone into what this Straight Talk might have entailed instead of just going to great lengths to coming across as mediocre, oh I mean average.

Apparently my simple six pack of beer drinking little league hockey watching mind can not handle anything so I need to be spoken to like I am a child, and they call Biden condescending. This should be upsetting to everyone but as a recent study showed that the average American IQ was down to 98 (with the lowest scores coming from "Red" states) maybe it's true. Maybe we just need to be given bottles and told bed time stories about how Momma and Poppa are going to make sure we are being spoken to simply enough to understand the grown up talk. Wake up people. There is a very likely possibility that this woman could end up President of the United States.

A woman who believes that we walked with the dinosaurs less than 5,000 years ago. That believes it was God's will to invade Iraq and for Alaska to provide a natural gas pipeline to the lower 48 states. That when the end of days nears Alaska would be one of the last great bastions of humanity. Who was associated to a Party that advocated the secession of Alaska from the U.S., which by the way is considered treason. Not to mention the little mishap where she cited Alaska's proximity to foreign countries as foreign policy experience. Some one should tell the Govs of all U.S. states bordering Canada and Mexico to update their resumes. This is the person that could have access to the nuclear codes, or as she would say "nuculer". Well at least when she screws us we'll be getting the Straight Talk Don' cha know.

How-To Break Up

Please have the following notes ready:
Tissues (could be for tears of joy or sadness).
An escape plan – if it gets messy, get out of there. A friend to call you in about an hour to make sure you’re okay – also works as an escape plan.
A good excuse – usually it’s human nature to know why your being rejected

Step 1 – Be classy – Everyone knows that an honorable and successful break-up is face-to-face. Take the other one out to dinner but not somewhere expensive (might get the wrong idea), or cheap (like McDonalds), but somewhere like Sizzler or Hometown Buffet should do the trick. Also, it’s best to be in public so nothing bad happens.

Step 2 – Do not say “It’s not you it’s me” – We all know that line, and we all know that it is the other person. Would you break up with someone because you annoy yourself? Heck no, they are the ones that are annoying, cramping your style and/or your street cred. Just break the news nicely so you don’t get water splashed in your face.

Step 3 - Do not do any type of breaking up electronically – This goes back to the first step. Do not break up over e-mails, text messages or IM’s. It’s highly doubtful that the other person will take “We’re over, lol” or “BRB never” as anything funny or positive. No one wants a sad emoticon during a break up.

Step 4 - Do not try to be cool when you’re breaking-up – Do not say stuff like “Do you have a band-aid? ‘Cause your Cut!” or as you get off the phone “Are you near a closet? You are? Then hang this up!” Even though it is quite funny, it really isn’t for this situation.

Step 5 – Make sure you have all of your stuff – This is very important, because the last thing you want to do is go through the task of breaking up with someone with your stuff at their house. One, your stuff may be broken by the time you get it. Two, no one wants to have to look at the person they just broke up with and say “I forgot my Rick Astley ‘Never Gonna Give you Up’ single.” It’s best to clear house before you actually have the sit-down.

Step 6 – Think of it like pulling off a band-aid© - Just get it over with. Don’t go to a movie or something and wait for the right time to do it. You may end up enjoying the flick and not want to do it just when the plot is thickening. Plus if you wait it out, you have to spend even more time with this person.

Step 7 – Do not do this at a family function – Awkward!!!!

Step 8 – Be sober – Your judgment will probably be better sober than it would be after a few drinks. Also, you may start crying for no reason. Nobody wants to be broken up with while their soon-to-be ex is swaying and slurring and saying “Listen, this is serious…”

Step 9 – Do not point out their flaws – Pointing out their inability to dance, lack of style, bad taste in movies, their weird collection of stuffed animals, their obsession with Dave Matthews Music and so on will not help out your cause.

How-To Draw Mohammed

We have seen depictions of Christ, Buddha and even of Cat Stevens but never has the whole world seen the Muslim prophet Mohammed. I’ll show you how to draw him.

Step 1 – Don’t do it – What are you stupid? Do you see what happened to the Danish Newspaper?

Step 2 – Don’t go public – If you want to draw him, well that’s your choice. But don’t let anyone know. You may have a mob outside your house soon!

Step 3 – Refer back to step 1 – Don’t do it. Some things you just don’t mess with.

How to pick up girls at least five-years younger than you

This goes out to my man, Brian Cook who requested this. And yes, Brian is above the legal age and women five-years younger than him would also be above the legal age. Author doesn’t promote “To Catch a Predator” actions.

Step 1 – Be Hungry Like the Wolf – For you to handle a younger woman, you have to get out of the feed me mentality. Younger women want a man that can handle the hunt, so to speak. Leave the geriatric pack and pull up your pants (not above your bellybutton) and handle your business. For example, if you see a younger lady, at the local watering hole, that sparks your interest do some cartwheels towards her then buy her that drink. You will be that talk of the town and you’ll have someone to help you out of the bar at the end or the night. Pretend you’re drunk so it doesn’t draw attention to your pulled back.

Step 2 – Location, Location, Location – Ever since shows like “The Hills” or “The OC” ladies have been into, that’s right, Geography. It’s no joke, they absolutely love it. So find yourself a stretch of land, a body of water, literally anything as long as it isn’t a plateau. This will remind them of the five pounds they desperately want to lose but just can’t seem to get there.

Step 3 – Go Where They Go – You’ll have to attend some annoying events but if you want to get the girl you’ll have to sacrifice self-dignity. Next time there is a Sex and the City movie, or a Red Jumpsuit Apparatus concert or a sale at Old Navy, go there. And pretend like you appreciate it, but not too much. You don’t want them to get the wrong idea.

Step 4 – Get Out the Old Tricks – Remember the old schemes you used to pull when you were young. More than likely they still work. No, that doesn’t give you the right to keg stand at the bar or pass her a note with two check boxes under the question; “Do you like me?” But if you were smooth back then, you can be smooth now (just slower and more forgetful).

Jerry's Corner - Opinion Contributor

Hello all, my buddy Jerry Enrique Colon has something on his mind (a lot). Once a month, I asked him to contribute to the website. This month Jerry focused on the word Elitist. Please enjoy.

Elitist Please! by Jerry Colon

What is in a name? Shakespeare once wrote that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. I wonder if this theory has converse applications. Would feces by any other name smell better? Ok, sorry for referring to poop so early on in this little diatribe. Perhaps some of you have heard the word Elitist being thrown around the political media circus. Has anyone else ever had the feeling that it was being used as code for something else? Mention the word Elite to any male 14 - 35 years old and they will undoubtedly respond with references to 8 foot tall Covenant alien warriors. While this is of course true it's not exactly accurate in the field of politics or well real life. An Elitist is one who feels that because of their station in life and the abilities / opportunities that they present their opinions and ideals should out weigh those of the average person. Even this definition must be wrong in reference to how it was being used in the media.

According to the Republican Party a man who was raised on food stamps, worked hard to raise himself from his meager up bringing, paid for college with scholarships and financial aid is an Elitist. Interestingly enough they see their 2008 presidential nominee as a man of and for the people. The same man who when asked in an interview how many houses he owned responded by saying "I think — I'll have my staff get to you," pause "It's condominiums where — I'll have them get to you.". Ask the average American the same question and many would struggle to say even one. By the way the correct answer is 8 according to tax records. The McCain's annual income is well near $1 million with a net worth valued at approx. $100 million. He even went on to say that he defined rich as having an income of $5 million. Of course there was a bit of a backlash due to this so he corrected himself by saying “I define rich in other ways besides income,” he said. “Some people are wealthy and rich in their lives and their children and their ability to educate them. Others are poor if they’re billionaires.” Nice recovery, or should I say back peddling.

Before it seems like I am bashing McCain I can say that he does believe in economic growth and in some extent giving back to the people, well his people anyway. For example according to John McCain's 2007 tax return he had increased his budget for household employees from $180K in 2006 to $273K. The McCain Campaign countered these attacks on his finances by saying Barak Obama's house in an Illinois suburb was valued at $1.6 million. What they decided to leave out of this statement was that this was Obama's one and only house while just one of McCain's condo properties was purchased for $4.7 million. His wife wore a $300K dress to the Republican National Convention. As a man who shops at Wal-Mart and has never even thought of purchasing clothes of any kind more than $50 dollars I can safely say that I will not spend $300K on a life times worth of clothing.

He is the son and grandson of two 4 Star Navy Admirals. Are they the Elite of the naval world? His wife was convicted of illegal prescription drug use in 1992 having doctors write phony prescriptions for Percocet and Vicodin. Now while a regular person would have definitely seen some hard jail time the man of the people aided his wife in getting off with fines and community service. He is also frequently seen with members in the upper echelon of corporate business and media. Admittedly I ran a bit off topic but I needed this rant to inform the readers on whom of the two better matches the description of Elite.

So if the Elitist label does not properly match Obama then why use it. What I propose is simple. Republicans did not have the stones to publically drop the N Bomb on Barak Obama so they had to come up with another word for it. A word that made sure the American people knew Obama was not like them. That he was different. So why not a word like Elitist? The average American would not classify them self as Elite so it seemed an easy match. However they obviously did not look the word up before they used it. If they had it would be pretty hard to miss the picture of John McCain with a big thumbs up.

How to get your man to understand the word no

This one goes out to all the ladies out there.Sorry fellas.

If this option is accepted, please have the following things ready:
Patience
Steak or some sort of training treats


Step 1 – The Male Psyche – Before you can teach your man-friend the word “no”, you must understand the male mind. Ninety-five percent of the male mind is related to male things such as 80’s hair bands, cartoons, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia™,” sports, guy time, beer, imported beer, beer drinking games, beer glasses, beer mugs, songs that relate to beer, mom, and some other things that are not office-appropriate. Two percent is related to work, and happy hour after work. One percent is related to relationships (this is where you fit in); one percent stays blank (just in case). Lastly, one percent is a reptilian part of the brain where the hunter-gathering mentality still exists. This part comes into play when he orders steak medium-raw because that makes him feel manly.

Step 2 – Classic Conditioning – Now that you know what the male mind is filled with, you can start to train it. That’s right: train it. Classic conditioning may ring a bell. Get it? Anyway, this technique first began with Pavlov, when he rang a bell any time that he would feed his dog. After a while, the dog associated the bell with food, and began to salivate whenever it heard the bell, whether there was food or no food.

Do this to your husband, boyfriend or guy friend. Start putting him in situations that demand his attention.

EXAMPLE – It just so happens that this has to do with food, but hear me out. Put a bowl of Cheetos® on the coffee table next time he’s watching the big game. When he reaches for them you say “No.” He will continue to do this at least 20-26 times before he hears you in the first place. C’mon, the big game’s on! Slap him on the hand if you have to; this will be another variable in the experiment. The slap will induce shock, which will be associated with “no.” Don’t you feel better now? You are teaching him the word “no” and you’re diminishing his pride.

Step 3 – Selective Hearing - Good old selective hearing has kept men alive since the stone ages. It is the one thing that we have going for us, and now I will tell you a secret. We hear you. That’s right, we do, but with 95% of the brain stuck on manly things we, choose not to process it. To get past the selective hearing stage tell him what he wants to hear, without actually telling him. Next time you are on the phone with a friend and he is in listening distance, talk about some guy at work, or mention that you are looking for Yankees tickets, or say something like “No-one could have played Iron Man better than Robert Downey Jr.” He’ll hear you, loud and clear. Then his brain will start to be intrigued with what you have to say. You’ve got him right where you want him.

Step 4 – Let him say “no” every once in a while – For the man to process the word “no”, and for him to really understand, it he must use it. Ask him questions that you know he will say “no” to. Next time you are eating dinner, watching television, or doing other extra-curricular activities, ask him to talk about his feelings. He’ll say “no,” and he’ll know completely what it means. Don’t ask him if the dress you’re wearing makes you look fat, because he will say “no” (as he rolls his eyes). You want him to learn the word “no”, not make him a liar.

Author would like to apologize to all the men out there. This job aid is for informational purposes only. Plus, I still kept the good manly secrets. Ladies, it’s okay to say “yes” here and there.

Bush’s defense system against Hurricane Ike

We’ll I don’t usually write about current events but what the hell. This is my website right?Here is a list straight from the president’s desk about the current situation with Hurricane Ike. I told him that I’d publish it.

My fellow Americans, we all remember the catastrophic and deadly terrorist attack from Katrina nearly four years ago. The people of New Orleans suffered a great deal of distress from that Mexican WMD. In light of that, and the fact that I own a ranch there, I will not let Hurricane Ike beat up the great state of “Tina Texas Turner.”

Here are some defenses I plan to use as the storm approaches:

1) Put a sign on the beach saying “Ike, Mexico is too the right.”
2) Find Katrina, Ike’s lover, and lock her up in Guantanamo Bay. That’ll teach him.
3) Kick my size 11 Cowboy boots all up that storms ass.
4) Find Rumsfeld and let him deal with it.
5) Get the National Guard to shoot bullets at it.

It is important that as Americans that we stick together like some sort of crazy gluey substance. Much like how Condi won’t leave my side. I love that woman; she is classy. Anyway, I will be using numerous amounts of resources and money to fund this project but it will not affect the taxpayers one bit. I will go down as a national hero. Look out Ike, storms a coming. By the way, do you think Darth will let me borrow some Storm Troopers? That’s what I need. I’m sure they can take care of this.

Sincerely,
The “W”

How to write a love song

To do this, you'll need the bullets below:
A new-found appreciation of puppies
A bottle of Cristal
Make sure you “got game”



Step 1 – Is this person worth it? – Before any great song writer builds a moving piece to serenade their significant other, they need to figure out if this person deserves it. Does the person cuddle with you in the morning, listen to you when you have a bad day or make you soup when you’re sick? Well, no one does that really, just make sure you at least love the person, okay? Do you know their name?

Step 2 –Make sure you have the capability– You need at least a 6th grade reading level to write a love song. And use real words. I mean you don’t want your new-found love to listen to some song as if Dr. Suess wrote it. “Girl…You’re My Snugglepuss,” isn’t going to make her fall anymore in love with you. In fact, it might do just the opposite and you will have to write a new love song, a loves-lost song, “Come Back Snugglepuss, Come Back.”

Step 3 – Are you ready for this commitment? Okay, so you know the person’s name and you have a 6th grade reading level; now here’s the real challenge. Are you ready to commit to this person? You don’t write love songs, or at least perform them, for someone if you don’t plan on sticking around for a while. I mean if they truly annoy you, don’t do it! If you’re not ready to write a love song just yet, write a “Hey Pal” song to really express your feelings. They’ll get the hint!

Example of a “Hey Pal” song lyric: “I’m so lucky that you’re my buddy; By the way, can you loan me some money?”

Step 4 – Do you have the talent, honestly? – Ever since shows like “American Idol” or “So You Think You Can Dance,” talent-less people have been making fools of themselves in record numbers annually. Take a good look at yourself, if you know that you lack the talent to row a boat, fly a kite or play “Dance Dance Revolution,” you probably can’t do anything well. Maybe you can hire one of your talented friends to write the song for you.
Step 5 – Apologize… a lot – Apparently people like to know when they’re right and when you’re wrong. Some of the best love songs of all time are really an apology with some music in the background. If you can start off a song apologizing for something, that will really capture their interest (usually this is spoken before or in the middle of the song). Be very descriptive and get your voice to talk in its lowest tone.

Example of an Apology song lyric: “Girl I’m sorry…I messed up…I didn’t know you were saving the Lay’s® Potato Chips for your “Sex and The City” video party. I didn’t know you and your friends were getting together to drink cosmopolitans and talk about your hectic work day, while enjoying the crude and obscene humor of HBO’s hit female demographic heavy show. Now you don’t have any chips for nourishment. I feel like a fool. Please forgive me.”

Step 6 – Know the kind of love you’re in – There are many variations of love. There is:
Genuine romantic, candy-and-roses love (usually with in the first 3 months of dating).
I don’t like your opinion on that but I’ll tolerate it love (usually with in the first year).
I’m in it this long, might as well keep going with it love (from 1 year to eternity).
Find which one best describes your feelings for your significant other and go off that.

How to say goodbye to the single life

This posting goes out to my buddy Eric who is walking down the aisle early September. I'd like to start this blog with some simple words of wisdom about marriage. Have I ever been married before? No. But I have known people to be married. And when you know things, you automatically become an expert (author is not an expert on anything).


Step 1 – Say goodbye to your friends – Well you decided to get married, you didn’t listen to them, but your friends warned you. You might as well shake their hand at the ceremony and say something like, “It’s been nice knowing you.” That’s the last time you will see them. Sure, you may cross paths at the supermarket or talk to them indirectly on Myspace but it isn’t the same.

Step 2 – Say goodbye to your hopes and dreams – You know how you always wanted to sit down for breakfast at the local buffet and stay through lunch and dinner to see if you can eat all three meals for one low price? Throw that dream right out the window. That’s right, now your hopes and dreams will be for practical things.

For example: I hope she doesn’t get on my case about taking out the garbage or I hope her mother doesn’t visit this weekend.

Step 3 – Say goodbye to your Lava Lamp – You just didn’t marry the love of your life, your partner, your best friend. No, you also married an interior decorator. Goodbye Spider-Man sheets, Lava Lamps, Futon, Foosball table and hand chair. And guess what, those items aren’t for storage. I hope you know what weekends the town dump is open.

Step 4 – Say goodbye to Ramen Noodles – I hope you didn’t like Ramen Noodles that much, because they’re gone. Say goodbye to the enlightening silver packets of powder deliciousness. Get ready to dine on baby corn, baby carrots and baby turnips. Hint Hint. Oh yeah, while we are on the subject, get ready because from now on every family function you go they are going to ask “that” question.

It's not all fun and games for her either pal!!!!

Step 1 – Say goodbye to a mutual relationship – Well if she didn’t have kids before, she does now. She just married a child who won’t stop complaining about throwing out his Spider-Man sheets, Lava Lamps, Futon, Foosball table and hand chair.

Step 2 – Say goodbye to a routine for one – Much like step one, before she married you she didn’t think that she would have to make your lunch everyday (because she want’s you to eat better and get off the Ramen noodles). Also, she didn’t think she would have to remind you to use deodorant, brush your teeth before bed and to change your “undies” because it’s Friday and those are clearly your Wednesday briefs.

Step 3 – Say goodbye to Romance – The guy you met that opened car doors, asked you to diner and bought you flowers is gone. Now his idea of romance is popping a bag of Jolly Time and watching the new X-Men movie. Sure he may say you look nice here and there, but was it provoked?