Am I dying?

By Matt Raphael

A little break from the comedy. Don't worry I am not suicidal, just want you to understand what I go through.

Am I dying? This is a question that no one can answer; not my therapist, friends, family or doctor. This is a question that seems so dramatic, so ridicules, so obnoxious that even I don’t believe it. Yet, I ask myself this question everyday, every waking moment, every time I crack a smile, tell some stupid joke or as I watch normal people walking, talking, moving…living.
I was rushed to the hospital a few months ago, my heart was racing and I couldn’t catch my breath. I was shacking internally, sort of like a house to close to train tracks. I was drenched with sweat and my left leg was numb. I thought I was dying. The reception didn’t seem to think so as I waited and people with minor cuts and injuries were being helped before me. I couldn’t wear my left shoe because it reminded me so much of the numbness. And I couldn’t hold my head up because I thought at any moment I was going to faint.

I was given a chest x-ray, hooked up to an EKG and blood work was taken. The doctors had no answers. They seemed like they didn’t want to be there. They seemed distant, as if this was routine. As if I was just an object taking up space for the people who needed real help.
For a few weeks I saw my doctor regularly. Actually I saw the other doctors too, when he wasn’t in. I can see them look at my chart and roll my eyes. They told me to get help that I was suffering from anxiety. Amazing, how they can just brush you off like that isn’t it?
Anyway, I’ve been going to this really good therapist for the last couple of months. And he’s been teaching me breathing exercises and other tips on how to beat anxiety and has even helped me out with my relationships. He has been good to me in every sense of the word. I’ve had very few actually panic anxiety attacks (like the one I went to the hospital with). But I have anxiety daily.

This is what my mind goes through almost ever minute of the day:
Am I dying?, Oh my God am I breathing?, Yes I am breathing but I’m breathing to much?, I’m hyperventilating!, Why do I have a pain in my chest/lungs/neck/back/lower back/groin?. I should quit smoking!, I should work out!, I should eat better!, I’m hungry!, I need a cigarette!, I’m too tired to exercise!, Is my family okay?, Am I dying?, I’m too young for this!, Am I too young?, Why did I start smoking?, Do I have cancer?, Do I have a neurological disease?, I can’t focus!, Why can’t I focus?, No one else in my family has mental problems?, Are mental problems genetic?, Am I dying?, Eat right!, Play Sports!, Don’t have anything to do!, Don’t feel like doing anything!, Am I dying?, What’s my pulse rate?, What if I die right now?, What if I pass out?, What’s that feeling?, Am I dying?

This is why I have anxiety. The problem with anxiety is you worry about the future, and you can’t get over the past. The present, however, when you are aware if it is awful because you feel awful. Right, now my neck is tight, my head is dizzy (because the muscles in my neck are constricting the blood flow to my brain) and I am breathing quickly and short.
I am in panic mode. Its fight or flight for me, all the while sitting in a cubicle and typing this up. This small cubicle. This safe, comfortable and warm area that presents no threat to me is at the same time threatening me. I am panicking.

There are millions that suffer from what I do. And this article is not to make you “aware” of anything. It is just to tell you a story about me. A 27-year-old who used to be carefree; who forgot how it is to relax with friends, family or loved ones. May this never happen to you!

How to Look Productive

To do this you will need the following:

• Papers. Lots and lots of papers


• A telephone


• A big desk calendar

Step 1 – Understand that computer games aren’t work-related – It’s that slow time of year at ABC Company, and you don’t want to be caught playing computer games like Dynomite® or the highly-addictive Sudoku. So what now? You know at any moment your boss can check in with you. Here is a tip: keep Microsoft Outlook® open. I mean, what is more productive than checking in on that highly regarded communication tool?

Step 2 – Shuffle Papers – Keep a pile of papers at your desk. Any kind of papers will do: old papers, new papers, red papers, blue papers. Even blank papers will do. Sorry, this would have interrupted the Dr. Suess-like rhyme. But seriously, if you have nothing to do and your boss walks by to say hello, you shuffle the papers like it is interrupting your busy day. If you let out a sigh of frustration as they pass you, then you have just completed one of the greatest non-productive moves.

Step 3 – Cell Phones and Desk Phones – Put your work number on speed dial in your cell phone. Keep your cell phone in your lap and, with the push of a button, call yourself. Say, “Geez, I’d love to talk right now, boss, but I have this call I need to take.” Important: you need to have a good opening line. Example: “Hi, you’ve reached (insert name here) at (insert department name here). Oh, Sally, hi, how are you? Did you receive that proposal I sent you?...” Proposal is an excellent loaded word that will keep your boss happy. To propose something means that the company has new possibilities on the corporate horizon and you are going to ride that wave all the way to it. Remember to give your boss some gesture to say, ‘I’d love to talk right now, but as you can see, I am getting things done.’

Step 4 – Make stuff up – You can make anything up, and as long as you look productive, do it. Pretend to clean your desk, or take out client folders and put them right back. You can do this for about an eight- hour shift and everyone will see you as a tidy go-getter. Another example of this is to mark stuff on that big desk calendar that the company gave you. You can mark anniversaries, vacation time or just doodle little faces.